Year 1 or is that 2?

When a baby is born in China, using the old traditional method of counting one's age, the child is already one. Then a year is added each Chinese New Year. So, on this basis, everyone in China is a year or two older than their chronological age. 

My friends like to tease me. They see me attempting to present as male and laugh. They tell me I'm the last to notice I'm already full-time. A good question becomes, is full-time the destination or just a mile marker?

When I was a child, I found it impossible to relate to most of what my friends were into. Those things I did relate to, were done so in order to fit in, to hide from myself and what I truly wanted in life. This set up a series of disappointments and denials spanning 30 years. Yet when I accepted my nature, just as what it is, one of many natural variations, I could regain my place as just a regular human being, with all of my foibles.  This was not without its challenges. First of all, there was no text book on growing up transgender, let alone transsexual. Sure there were women who made a public splash with their transitions; however the lack of serious journalism on these events made competent study difficult. I was on my own. Eight years and some hard knocks brought me to a decision. 

A friend of mine recently acknowledged an anniversary of sorts, her first night out, in public or private for that matter, as her true self. This is an amazing feat to say the least. I still remember the fear and anxiety of my own first evening. To have killed two birds with one stone, presenting AND going out, was inspiring. While I missed that night, her conversations from a prior meet up stuck with me. By the time I met her again, I had changed my Primary Care Physician, started a regimen of anti-androgen and estrogen, and was planning my "coming out". 

What had inspired such a change?

Why was I taking action on progress so feared before?

I have heard it said that when the "pain of remaining the same outweighs the fear of change, you will let go". Did I ever let go and in a big way. It was obvious that some fear still existed and that it had been outweighed, but why? How? What extra pain was I feeling, or was the fear dissipating? Questions  without answers devoured my thoughts. Steadied beliefs and theological abstractions, personal relationships and permanent security felt like polar opposites on X and Y axises. In my black and white world there were no shades of gray. I am either severely neurotically oppressed or eternally doomed. I'll be loved by all or a spindly old maid. 

I draw from a belief that my actions need to the result of right thinking. In order to achieve right thinking, I must subject those thoughts to four qualifiers.

The first of which is honesty. Am I being completely honest with myself about my situation or the situation around me? Even the slightest self deception will corrode the actions I might take. 

Secondly I must be selfless. When the decisions I make are not based on how I can be of service to others, I run the risk of being fueled by my will.   Self acceptance and a conviction to honor myself serve all of us living with doubt. My experience may be part of that which assuages others fears or doubts, once they are shared. It’s possible, and I suspect highly probable, they will also at times stand to serve as testament on what NOT to do.

Quite as important is my need to be forgiving and devoid of resentment in my process. Nothing, absolutely nothing destroys my peace and journey as resentment does. I have to be responsible for my character and leave others to live as they see fit.

Most important of all of these, even though the others are indispensable, is faith. I have to be willing to take action on my beliefs and convictions once I form them. All is lost without it. I have the right to be wrong. I exercise that right frequently, yet without faith, I could not continue. This journey will take me places I cannot imagine.

I cannot say I practiced these for precepts perfectly, in fact, I know I did not. That is part of being human for me. I made decisions, took actions and constantly re-evaluated my results. Right or wrong, I own that, my past. 

I believe full time is a mile marker, just like any other of life's monuments. And whether I'm One or Two is purely a matter of perspective. There is no right answer,for me there is only a process of seeking an answer.

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