I wasn't the only one with a "Coming Out" story in my family

In May of this year, I removed any pretenses of my own making, which served to deflect the attentions of anyone, including my family, to who I truly am.

The reactions were mixed as expected. Six months later I can see perspectives held by friends and family members for what they are, their own opinions of who I am and what they believe to be truth in the World. I can allow them to live in their beliefs with the comfort that many only want happiness and eternal life for me, as they understand it.

In this process I have received numerous words of comfort from friends and old acquaintances. Many professing offers of support whenever they may be needed by me. This outpouring is even from friends of friends or barely known coworkers at previous jobs. Yet the greatest support I have received to date is with someone else sharing their own Coming Out process.

After a half of a year into this, I was left comforted by the reactions of my immediate family, whether it was positive or negative. For the positive was unexpected, and the negative less than feared. However, the conversation I had with my father last Monday, was to set me free.

We, at some point in our discussion, entered upon the topic of how my "process" was going, how my level of acceptance from others was impacting me. Fairly enlightened subject from a man I feared my entire life. I proceeded to explain that ultimately, the level of comfort was of my determination, and that it was my acceptance of others that would see me through. What followed surprised me.

My father is Head of the Parish Council at the local Catholic Church. He chooses to attend daily services. He has a political viewpoint which runs to the Conservative side of the spectrum. He has told off colored jokes in the past. But this night, we strolled in the realm of spirituality and I was enlighten.

Our discussion from six months back had my father relating my parents thoughts at that time, that I might be gay, but that when I started dating, they felt I was just going through a phase(referencing my crossdressing behavior as a preteen). That, presently, it would be easier for him to understand me if I was before him explaining that in fact I was gay. For he had a context, an understanding of what homosexuality is. Yet, transgender was more difficult. He also shared that,he would need to understand transgenderism better and the only context he had was a mutual friend of his skiing buddy from our very same hometown who transitioned 20+ years ago. So in seeking truth, he asked me how my process was going. As I explained the details I could see a different reaction on my fathers face, for I was speaking not technically, but from my heart. I spoke in terms of spirituality and not of physicality. He then offered me this. " I can only relate to you from my own Coming Out process, and have grown to understand the word Empathy.

My parents were Carter Democrats, blue collar Baltimorians at heart. Raised Roman Catholic, they had a profound spiritual conversion in the late 70's. They became born-again Christians. My father was to relate to me his experience in coming out for Christ in a world which looked askance upon such beliefs. I too, as their child displayed my disapproval at their following. My father named his newly formed company Christian Real Estate. Lost friends and business associates all because he was being true to himself. His process, as he relates today has given him empathy. He can seek to understand what the Christian Scientist believes or of what the mindset of Socialist political opinions may hold. That true Christianity offered us humility through our differences and tolerance for our shortcomings.

I hear, read and see much in the way of attacks upon others, simply because we do not like their view or our perceived lifestyles. And these from the community of diversity towards those without such open mindedness. I, as a professed child of God, am ill equipped for such thoughts. For that, I am grateful.

Wow, 5 years later and still powerless

In wishing to follow the suggestions from someone I hope to grow spiritually from, I'm writing. I'm writing on how I'm still powerless. Yet before I can talk about that, it's best to describe how I lacked the proportion of the ability to think straight and to utilize my human resources to solve my problems.

I learned some hard facts about what little power I did possess and what means to affect changes lay outside my realm as early as the age of 7. For in that year I was to die twice but not for a power greater than me.

During the summer before my family moved to West Laurel, my parents were friends with a family in that neighborhood whom had an in-ground pool. While swimming that beautiful summer afternoon, their child tipped over the pool raft I was clinging to and sent me to the bottom, 8 feet down. At 7, I was unable to swim and being a shy tyke, nobody notices you missing right away. I will say that the image depicted in a movie where the sound is muffled and the field of view is slightly distorted from the motion of the water is spot on. Even better is the sight and sound of cavitating water. Very clichéd, yet accurate. In my case it was produce by my father diving into the deep end to pull me out ( a pattern since repeated on more than one occasion ) I never learned to swim until I was 15 and to this day still carry a fear of deep water.

A few months later my family moved into the home I was to grow up in. Only a few years old at the time, the fresh basement was still unfinished. My father, an avid and accomplished pool player had his table moved in, however it was not set up yet. The movers had laid it on its side, pitched on the bevel of its top, leaning on the cast iron drain pipe and the iron pole supporting the I-beam. Seemed sturdy but was not Big Wheel proof. My younger brother decided to repeated bang his ride into the back of the unsprung trap until it snared its prey. SNAP. I heard a creak then felt the table violent snap towards me, frozen by fear, something moved me back a foot or two, then darkness. I awoken to the greatest amount of pain my body has ever recorded. A mark yet unsurpassed. The table came to rest on my chest, breaking my arm in the process. I have not recollection of how long I lay there, or how I got out. I just remember that throbbing so intense, I wanted to die.

In neither case was I able to control the events which were about to unfold, nor effect a change once they transpired. I was powerless to stop any of it.

In more simplistic terms, my entire youth is a shining example of things outside my influence. Whether it be an excruciatingly delayed puberty or being prone to an uncontrollable flood of emotions, namely crying, and sometimes for no apparent reason. From school yard bullies to being "mugged" at the People's Drug store in Landover Mall, fear became frequent running mate.

In my childhood I would find myself with every desire to have my homework done before the weekend was over, yet time and time again, I was watching the end credits to The Wonderful World of Disney and glancing at an empty sheet of paper which was to be my homework. Each occasion had be swearing I'd never do that again. Each Sunday brought more disappointment.

Then there were the late nights. Restless, irritable and discontent. Sneaking out after midnight, coming in before dawn. Trips to the woods to drink and smoke, never able to leave until its over ( my typical bar experience too). I wanted more than I was getting, but I could not break the routine. My drinking revolved around socializing. I drink when I needed to fit in, to feel normal. It took the edge off of the uneasiness and it gave me stature amongst my peers.

When the responsibilities of life began to

Year 1 or is that 2?

When a baby is born in China, using the old traditional method of counting one's age, the child is already one. Then a year is added each Chinese New Year. So, on this basis, everyone in China is a year or two older than their chronological age. 

My friends like to tease me. They see me attempting to present as male and laugh. They tell me I'm the last to notice I'm already full-time. A good question becomes, is full-time the destination or just a mile marker?

When I was a child, I found it impossible to relate to most of what my friends were into. Those things I did relate to, were done so in order to fit in, to hide from myself and what I truly wanted in life. This set up a series of disappointments and denials spanning 30 years. Yet when I accepted my nature, just as what it is, one of many natural variations, I could regain my place as just a regular human being, with all of my foibles.  This was not without its challenges. First of all, there was no text book on growing up transgender, let alone transsexual. Sure there were women who made a public splash with their transitions; however the lack of serious journalism on these events made competent study difficult. I was on my own. Eight years and some hard knocks brought me to a decision. 

A friend of mine recently acknowledged an anniversary of sorts, her first night out, in public or private for that matter, as her true self. This is an amazing feat to say the least. I still remember the fear and anxiety of my own first evening. To have killed two birds with one stone, presenting AND going out, was inspiring. While I missed that night, her conversations from a prior meet up stuck with me. By the time I met her again, I had changed my Primary Care Physician, started a regimen of anti-androgen and estrogen, and was planning my "coming out". 

What had inspired such a change?

Why was I taking action on progress so feared before?

I have heard it said that when the "pain of remaining the same outweighs the fear of change, you will let go". Did I ever let go and in a big way. It was obvious that some fear still existed and that it had been outweighed, but why? How? What extra pain was I feeling, or was the fear dissipating? Questions  without answers devoured my thoughts. Steadied beliefs and theological abstractions, personal relationships and permanent security felt like polar opposites on X and Y axises. In my black and white world there were no shades of gray. I am either severely neurotically oppressed or eternally doomed. I'll be loved by all or a spindly old maid. 

I draw from a belief that my actions need to the result of right thinking. In order to achieve right thinking, I must subject those thoughts to four qualifiers.

The first of which is honesty. Am I being completely honest with myself about my situation or the situation around me? Even the slightest self deception will corrode the actions I might take. 

Secondly I must be selfless. When the decisions I make are not based on how I can be of service to others, I run the risk of being fueled by my will.   Self acceptance and a conviction to honor myself serve all of us living with doubt. My experience may be part of that which assuages others fears or doubts, once they are shared. It’s possible, and I suspect highly probable, they will also at times stand to serve as testament on what NOT to do.

Quite as important is my need to be forgiving and devoid of resentment in my process. Nothing, absolutely nothing destroys my peace and journey as resentment does. I have to be responsible for my character and leave others to live as they see fit.

Most important of all of these, even though the others are indispensable, is faith. I have to be willing to take action on my beliefs and convictions once I form them. All is lost without it. I have the right to be wrong. I exercise that right frequently, yet without faith, I could not continue. This journey will take me places I cannot imagine.

I cannot say I practiced these for precepts perfectly, in fact, I know I did not. That is part of being human for me. I made decisions, took actions and constantly re-evaluated my results. Right or wrong, I own that, my past. 

I believe full time is a mile marker, just like any other of life's monuments. And whether I'm One or Two is purely a matter of perspective. There is no right answer,for me there is only a process of seeking an answer.

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New Years Restitution

I sit here listening to one of my muses, Sarah McLachlan reflecting back upon last year. It has been truly an amazing year. I've endured some hardships, challenges and victories. Nothing compares to the serenity I received when body and mind were made whole. I'm grateful for many things, yet this is one of the greatest.

In the last year, I've said hello to new friends and old school mates. I've said goodbye to old friends and newbies in recovery. I've come out to my children and gain new hope for the future and opened the door to new fears. I've worked with new sponsors and left old ones. New jobs and new responsibilities have been placed at my feet.  Old habits have been kicked and new good ones started. Almost nothing in my world is as it was 12 short months ago and I cannot say how much of it will still be the same in the next 12.

I'm really looking forward to the growth and opportunities my life will present me each and everyday. I finally feel at peace and ease with myself for the most part. The little things I might still lament are those items I see as manageable, goal oriented points which I am now resolved to set a course for and work on achieving.

So, in order to hold myself accountable to these, I will proceed to lay them out here.

1. Set and stick to a budget - I have always worked with a very loose "cash & carry" form of personal finance which works when cash flow is good. However real long term planning ands savings are ignored.
2. Start voice lessons - I had several idols in the entertainment industry as a small child. One was Rich Little. The man could do any voice and I tried to emulate him for a long time. Now I need professional assistance to help me get my true voice. 
3. Complete facial hair removal - I have laser hair removal and it cleared 95% of my facial hair. It is now time to rustle up the "outlaws".
4. Go full time - This is an old one. For my friends, they tell me I'm the last one to realize I've already gone full time. They see my so called guy mode and say, "You're almost passable. I could almost believe you are a guy" However, the legal stuff needs to be ironed out and so I set this as one of my goals.
5. Start an exercise regimen - I quit drinking 4 years ago and I kicked smoking twelve months back. I want to start yoga again and really need to budget time than money.

I don't expect to achieve 100% of my goals nor do I believe that's the true objective of setting goals. I believe it will strike fear at the heart of apathy and thereby ignite my passion for change.

2010, heres to you!


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Letter to Maryland's Governor O'Malley

Martin O’Malley, Governor
Office of the Governor of Maryland
100 State Circle
Annapolis, Maryland 21401-1925

December 15, 2009

Dear Governor O’Malley,

We are deeply concerned that the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration (MVA) is considering moving backwards in policy related to obtaining accurate identification for transgender Marylanders. If adopted, the proposed MVA policy for gender designation changes would move Maryland from having a policy that generally works to provide transgender people accurate identification (albeit not an ideal policy), to becoming one of the worst states in the country, with a policy matched only in regressiveness by those in Kentucky, Montana, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Texas.

This move is at odds with current trends in state licensing policies. The proposed policy would require transgender Marylanders to provide a changed birth certificate first. If born in Maryland, they would need to hire an attorney and appear in court to establish specific, intimate and highly personal facts concerning their medical treatment in order to obtain a corrected gender designation on a driver’s license or state identification card. Generally speaking, in most states including Maryland, sex reassignment surgery is required to change one’s birth certificate. And, in most states, a transgender person would similarly have to hire an attorney to go to court to achieve this change. Furthermore, this will be especially burdensome for individuals born outside Maryland, many of whom will be required to file a legal action in a court thousands of miles away. Compliance will be impossible for individuals born in states such as Ohio, Tennessee and Idaho, which refuse to provide corrected birth certificates for transgender people under all circumstances.

The current MVA policy allows people who are living full-time in their new gender, yet who have not yet had relevant surgeries but intend/desire to, to have a provisional gender marker change. A permanent gender marker change is granted when proof of surgery is provided. This policy has been in place for several years, and there is no indication that any problem has arisen with its administration. This policy is slightly more restrictive than current policies in the District of Columbia, California, Colorado, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Vermont, Washington, and most recently Ohio. Each of those jurisdictions allow gender-marker change upon living full-time in a person’s new gender and people are able to get an updated ID with even a less burdensome showing than the current Maryland policy requires (there is no requirement that a person has to intend/desire relevant surgeries). These policies meet the needs of license-holders, law enforcement and other government agencies, are fully compliant with the REAL ID Act, and represent the overwhelming trend in current state policies today.

We are particularly troubled by this proposed change in policy because of the potentially devastating effect it would have for transgender people in every aspect of daily life. Recent national survey research conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force indicates that this policy would result in the overwhelming majority of transgender people having identification that is inconsistent with their appearance. Under the proposed MVA policy, more than 80% of transgender women would be listed as “men” on their licenses, and as many as 95% of transgender men would be listed as “women.” Having the wrong gender on one’s license “outs” transgender people in any situation where they need to show a license— in bars and restaurants, during routine traffic stops, and while filling out forms for employers. This violates the privacy of transgender people and puts them at risk for discrimination and bias-motivated harassment and violence. Furthermore, having the wrong gender on a person’s license needlessly complicates the work of law enforcement and other agencies that need to quickly and accurately identify individuals.

The current policy meets the State’s need for accurate identification and protects Maryland citizens’ privacy and safety and complies with the REAL ID Act. We hope you will take appropriate and prompt action to ensure that MVA retains its current policy regarding gender designation changes.

Sincerely,

Morgan Meneses-Sheets, Executive Director
Equality Maryland

Cindy Boersma, Legislative Director
ACLU of Maryland

Matt Coles, LGBT Rights Project Director
ACLU (National)

Emily Hecht, Senior Legislative Counsel
Family Equality Counsel

Sarah Warbelow, State Legislative Director
Human Rights Campaign

Shannon Minter, Legal Director
National Center for Lesbian Rights

Harper Jean Tobin, Policy Counsel
National Center for Transgender Equality

Rebecca Fox, Executive Director
National Coalition for LGBT Health

Lisa Mottet, Transgender Civil Rights Project Director
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

Alice Kennedy, President
Stonewall Democrats of Central Maryland

Michael Mitchell, Executive Director
Stonewall Democrats (National)

Michael Silverman, Executive Director
Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund

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Turn and Face the Strain

I want to start out my wishing congratulations to two of my friends, Elaine Horton and Brooke Kusseling. Elaine took a trip out to Scottsdale AZ and Brooke a trip to San Francisco. I wish both of them a speedy recovery. I've know Elaine for over 3 years. The journey she has taken has been unfolding before my eyes. With Brooke, our friendship is less than a year old, but equally as wonderful.

As with most things in life, I find comparison of myself in relationship to events which transpire around me. As I see these two women writing another chapter in their story, I ask myself, " What chapter are you on?

For so long I merely existed , days into weeks, weeks in years. My life was a series graffiti painted walls strewn about. No table of content, forward, let alone any cognitive chapters describing the path I wander. Of writing I knew not. Handicapped by a reading disability, I forsook any attempt to express myself through chirography, let alone into text open to the public.

I cannot say what day this changed, or what directly caused it. It just happened. The fact that I care to put pen to paper and let out all that's inside is a miracle. We are as sick as our secrets, and I was terminal. As I grow in comfort with completing that therapy, I have come to learn many a thing about myself. Yet most of all this.

I fear change.

Not the nickels and dimes in the cup holder of my car. Not the fresh sheets on my bed, although that does become a chore. Security, serenity, comfort, ease, peace, knowingness, and consistency are good things. But so are growth, improvement, diversification and transition. Transition is not my goal, but reclamation is.

Reclamation
n. restoration Synonyms:improvement, recovery, recycling, redemption, repossession

I like that. Improvement, recovery and redemption. I now know my journey has been one of reclamation and not transformation. I'm not seeking to be something or someone I previously was not, I'm merely seeking to reclaim who I am. Reclaim from whom or what? From a society which said it was wrong to express myself in my natural way. From my peers who said I was weak or queer for identifying myself as I am. From myself and the fear I faced.

What does change have to do with this? I look to change the way my mind is closed to ideas new to me. I look to change the way I perceive life. Nothing has changed, yet nothing is the same. Externally life is still life. The sun rises and sets. Life renews itself. Am I? Do I renew myself on a daily basis or do I allow the tracks of time guide me through the same path?

I look to change the chapter of my life to Chapter Two: The Awakening

I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

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WOW 2009.... You shocked the heck out of me..

There was no way I saw this coming.

I started 2009 with same level of frustration and discomfort as any of my prior years since acknowledging and accepting myself. Each year started without any reasonable expectation that better things would come to pass. I have since come to understand that as hopeless, that lacking of.

Not hopeless as in unemployed, homeless, struggling with addiction issues and no direction. Although to some extent I had all of those. No, I just lack hope that there really was a solution to what ailed me.

Many thoughts have been expressed about transsexualism and gender identity issues over the years. I am not going into them here except to say that I know exactly who I am, I just didn't know why. I was trying to use the "why" to explain to others my situation. This year has shown me that is not important.

What is important is not what has happened to me over my life, yet how I respond to it. I was born exactly as I was supposed to, my sense of gender is perfectly normal. My physicality is also normal, just incongruent to my gender. For me there was this constant low grade buzz, the sort of buzz a florescent lamp's ballast puts out when something is amiss. Over a long enough period of time, that noise become a default and is hardly noticed. No more.

Last January I chose to take action in my life and to stop placing myself in the position of conflict. I'm okay with me, why should I continue to make myself into someone others are not in conflict with. The decision was made to switch locations with my Health Care providers. I had no idea at the time what a momentous decision that would be.

The first positive result was I quit smoking. My original reason for quitting drinking was " I can't quit smoking if I'm still drinking'. Of course I had to quit drinking for other reasons; however the desire to quit smoking was there. The action was lacking. This time, my reasoning was simple; I can not start anti-androgens and estrogen until I do. The power of HRT reached out for inside the pill bottle!

The second positive result was I started taking a testosterone blocker to allow my body to sync with my immutable gender. While I do not believe one's level of testosterone affects ongoing gender identity, it does affect gender confliction. I'm happy to say my testosterone levels aptly mirror my gender and that defective ballast has been replaced. The other effects are merely icing on the cake. My body has responded nicely to treatment and I am pleased. Yet nothing can compare to the sense of tranquility I feel with the oneness of my mind and body.

Another surprising result is that I'm opening up to people in my life. No longer feeling stigmatized by this birth condition, I'm comfortable to let other know in a positive way. At the beginning of the year only two of my family members knew and near no one else in my personal life, save my transgender friends. Today its easier for me to recognize those who DON'T know with special importance on my remaining untold family members.

My job today was simply a minimum wage position to stave off total unemployment in July. One Employee of the Month in August later, it has become a full time position with a master key and an alarm code to a large national retailer.

I find myself today with less fear and hesitation than I had 12 short months ago. many new friends have been added along the way. Other friends and I have redefined our roles, some for the good, some for the better.

Hope, that reasonable expectation that better things will come to pass has found my heart, my life and my journey.



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