Made a Left at Happily Ever After...

I wasn't the only one with a "Coming Out" story in my family

2010-11-22T11:47:00.002-05:00

In May of this year, I removed any pretenses of my own making, which served to deflect the attentions of anyone, including my family, to who I truly am.

The reactions were mixed as expected. Six months later I can see perspectives held by friends and family members for what they are, their own opinions of who I am and what they believe to be truth in the World. I can allow them to live in their beliefs with the comfort that many only want happiness and eternal life for me, as they understand it.

In this process I have received numerous words of comfort from friends and old acquaintances. Many professing offers of support whenever they may be needed by me. This outpouring is even from friends of friends or barely known coworkers at previous jobs. Yet the greatest support I have received to date is with someone else sharing their own Coming Out process.

After a half of a year into this, I was left comforted by the reactions of my immediate family, whether it was positive or negative. For the positive was unexpected, and the negative less than feared. However, the conversation I had with my father last Monday, was to set me free.

We, at some point in our discussion, entered upon the topic of how my "process" was going, how my level of acceptance from others was impacting me. Fairly enlightened subject from a man I feared my entire life. I proceeded to explain that ultimately, the level of comfort was of my determination, and that it was my acceptance of others that would see me through. What followed surprised me.

My father is Head of the Parish Council at the local Catholic Church. He chooses to attend daily services. He has a political viewpoint which runs to the Conservative side of the spectrum. He has told off colored jokes in the past. But this night, we strolled in the realm of spirituality and I was enlighten.

Our discussion from six months back had my father relating my parents thoughts at that time, that I might be gay, but that when I started dating, they felt I was just going through a phase(referencing my crossdressing behavior as a preteen). That, presently, it would be easier for him to understand me if I was before him explaining that in fact I was gay. For he had a context, an understanding of what homosexuality is. Yet, transgender was more difficult. He also shared that,he would need to understand transgenderism better and the only context he had was a mutual friend of his skiing buddy from our very same hometown who transitioned 20+ years ago. So in seeking truth, he asked me how my process was going. As I explained the details I could see a different reaction on my fathers face, for I was speaking not technically, but from my heart. I spoke in terms of spirituality and not of physicality. He then offered me this. " I can only relate to you from my own Coming Out process, and have grown to understand the word Empathy.

My parents were Carter Democrats, blue collar Baltimorians at heart. Raised Roman Catholic, they had a profound spiritual conversion in the late 70's. They became born-again Christians. My father was to relate to me his experience in coming out for Christ in a world which looked askance upon such beliefs. I too, as their child displayed my disapproval at their following. My father named his newly formed company Christian Real Estate. Lost friends and business associates all because he was being true to himself. His process, as he relates today has given him empathy. He can seek to understand what the Christian Scientist believes or of what the mindset of Socialist political opinions may hold. That true Christianity offered us humility through our differences and tolerance for our shortcomings.

I hear, read and see much in the way of attacks upon others, simply because we do not like their view or our perceived lifestyles. And these from the community of diversity towards those without such open mindedness. I, as a professed child of God, am ill equipped for such thoughts. For that, I am grateful.

Wow, 5 years later and still powerless

2010-09-18T19:52:00.007-04:00

In wishing to follow the suggestions from someone I hope to grow spiritually from, I'm writing. I'm writing on how I'm still powerless. Yet before I can talk about that, it's best to describe how I lacked the proportion of the ability to think straight and to utilize my human resources to solve my problems.

I learned some hard facts about what little power I did possess and what means to affect changes lay outside my realm as early as the age of 7. For in that year I was to die twice but not for a power greater than me.

During the summer before my family moved to West Laurel, my parents were friends with a family in that neighborhood whom had an in-ground pool. While swimming that beautiful summer afternoon, their child tipped over the pool raft I was clinging to and sent me to the bottom, 8 feet down. At 7, I was unable to swim and being a shy tyke, nobody notices you missing right away. I will say that the image depicted in a movie where the sound is muffled and the field of view is slightly distorted from the motion of the water is spot on. Even better is the sight and sound of cavitating water. Very clichéd, yet accurate. In my case it was produce by my father diving into the deep end to pull me out ( a pattern since repeated on more than one occasion ) I never learned to swim until I was 15 and to this day still carry a fear of deep water.

A few months later my family moved into the home I was to grow up in. Only a few years old at the time, the fresh basement was still unfinished. My father, an avid and accomplished pool player had his table moved in, however it was not set up yet. The movers had laid it on its side, pitched on the bevel of its top, leaning on the cast iron drain pipe and the iron pole supporting the I-beam. Seemed sturdy but was not Big Wheel proof. My younger brother decided to repeated bang his ride into the back of the unsprung trap until it snared its prey. SNAP. I heard a creak then felt the table violent snap towards me, frozen by fear, something moved me back a foot or two, then darkness. I awoken to the greatest amount of pain my body has ever recorded. A mark yet unsurpassed. The table came to rest on my chest, breaking my arm in the process. I have not recollection of how long I lay there, or how I got out. I just remember that throbbing so intense, I wanted to die.

In neither case was I able to control the events which were about to unfold, nor effect a change once they transpired. I was powerless to stop any of it.

In more simplistic terms, my entire youth is a shining example of things outside my influence. Whether it be an excruciatingly delayed puberty or being prone to an uncontrollable flood of emotions, namely crying, and sometimes for no apparent reason. From school yard bullies to being "mugged" at the People's Drug store in Landover Mall, fear became frequent running mate.

In my childhood I would find myself with every desire to have my homework done before the weekend was over, yet time and time again, I was watching the end credits to The Wonderful World of Disney and glancing at an empty sheet of paper which was to be my homework. Each occasion had be swearing I'd never do that again. Each Sunday brought more disappointment.

Then there were the late nights. Restless, irritable and discontent. Sneaking out after midnight, coming in before dawn. Trips to the woods to drink and smoke, never able to leave until its over ( my typical bar experience too). I wanted more than I was getting, but I could not break the routine. My drinking revolved around socializing. I drink when I needed to fit in, to feel normal. It took the edge off of the uneasiness and it gave me stature amongst my peers.

When the responsibilities of life began to

Year 1 or is that 2?

2010-01-13T16:08:00.000-05:00

When a baby is born in China, using the old traditional method of counting one's age, the child is already one. Then a year is added each Chinese New Year. So, on this basis, everyone in China is a year or two older than their chronological age.

My friends like to tease me. They see me attempting to present as male and laugh. They tell me I'm the last to notice I'm already full-time. A good question becomes, is full-time the destination or just a mile marker?

When I was a child, I found it impossible to relate to most of what my friends were into. Those things I did relate to, were done so in order to fit in, to hide from myself and what I truly wanted in life. This set up a series of disappointments and denials spanning 30 years. Yet when I accepted my nature, just as what it is, one of many natural variations, I could regain my place as just a regular human being, with all of my foibles. This was not without its challenges. First of all, there was no text book on growing up transgender, let alone transsexual. Sure there were women who made a public splash with their transitions; however the lack of serious journalism on these events made competent study difficult. I was on my own. Eight years and some hard knocks brought me to a decision.

A friend of mine recently acknowledged an anniversary of sorts, her first night out, in public or private for that matter, as her true self. This is an amazing feat to say the least. I still remember the fear and anxiety of my own first evening. To have killed two birds with one stone, presenting AND going out, was inspiring. While I missed that night, her conversations from a prior meet up stuck with me. By the time I met her again, I had changed my Primary Care Physician, started a regimen of anti-androgen and estrogen, and was planning my "coming out".

What had inspired such a change?

Why was I taking action on progress so feared before?

I have heard it said that when the "pain of remaining the same outweighs the fear of change, you will let go". Did I ever let go and in a big way. It was obvious that some fear still existed and that it had been outweighed, but why? How? What extra pain was I feeling, or was the fear dissipating? Questions without answers devoured my thoughts. Steadied beliefs and theological abstractions, personal relationships and permanent security felt like polar opposites on X and Y axises. In my black and white world there were no shades of gray. I am either severely neurotically oppressed or eternally doomed. I'll be loved by all or a spindly old maid.

I draw from a belief that my actions need to the result of right thinking. In order to achieve right thinking, I must subject those thoughts to four qualifiers.

The first of which is honesty. Am I being completely honest with myself about my situation or the situation around me? Even the slightest self deception will corrode the actions I might take.

Secondly I must be selfless. When the decisions I make are not based on how I can be of service to others, I run the risk of being fueled by my will. Self acceptance and a conviction to honor myself serve all of us living with doubt. My experience may be part of that which assuages others fears or doubts, once they are shared. It’s possible, and I suspect highly probable, they will also at times stand to serve as testament on what NOT to do.

Quite as important is my need to be forgiving and devoid of resentment in my process. Nothing, absolutely nothing destroys my peace and journey as resentment does. I have to be responsible for my character and leave others to live as they see fit.

Most important of all of these, even though the others are indispensable, is faith. I have to be willing to take action on my beliefs and convictions once I form them. All is lost without it. I have the right to be wrong. I exercise that right frequently, yet without faith, I could not continue. This journey will take me places I cannot imagine.

I cannot say I practiced these for precepts perfectly, in fact, I know I did not. That is part of being human for me. I made decisions, took actions and constantly re-evaluated my results. Right or wrong, I own that, my past.

I believe full time is a mile marker, just like any other of life's monuments. And whether I'm One or Two is purely a matter of perspective. There is no right answer,for me there is only a process of seeking an answer.

New Years Restitution

2009-12-28T19:48:00.000-05:00

I sit here listening to one of my muses, Sarah McLachlan reflecting back upon last year. It has been truly an amazing year. I've endured some hardships, challenges and victories. Nothing compares to the serenity I received when body and mind were made whole. I'm grateful for many things, yet this is one of the greatest.

In the last year, I've said hello to new friends and old school mates. I've said goodbye to old friends and newbies in recovery. I've come out to my children and gain new hope for the future and opened the door to new fears. I've worked with new sponsors and left old ones. New jobs and new responsibilities have been placed at my feet. Old habits have been kicked and new good ones started. Almost nothing in my world is as it was 12 short months ago and I cannot say how much of it will still be the same in the next 12.

I'm really looking forward to the growth and opportunities my life will present me each and everyday. I finally feel at peace and ease with myself for the most part. The little things I might still lament are those items I see as manageable, goal oriented points which I am now resolved to set a course for and work on achieving.

So, in order to hold myself accountable to these, I will proceed to lay them out here.
Set and stick to a budget - I have always worked with a very loose "cash & carry" form of personal finance which works when cash flow is good. However real long term planning ands savings are ignored.
Start voice lessons - I had several idols in the entertainment industry as a small child. One was Rich Little. The man could do any voice and I tried to emulate him for a long time. Now I need professional assistance to help me get my true voice.
Complete facial hair removal - I have laser hair removal and it cleared 95% of my facial hair. It is now time to rustle up the "outlaws".
Go full time - This is an old one. For my friends, they tell me I'm the last one to realize I've already gone full time. They see my so called guy mode and say, "You're almost passable. I could almost believe you are a guy" However, the legal stuff needs to be ironed out and so I set this as one of my goals.
Start an exercise regimen - I quit drinking 4 years ago and I kicked smoking twelve months back. I want to start yoga again and really need to budget time than money.

I don't expect to achieve 100% of my goals nor do I believe that's the true objective of setting goals. I believe it will strike fear at the heart of apathy and thereby ignite my passion for change.

2010, heres to you!

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Letter to Maryland's Governor O'Malley

2009-12-15T15:29:00.000-05:00

Martin O’Malley, Governor
Office of the Governor of Maryland
100 State Circle
Annapolis, Maryland 21401-1925

December 15, 2009

Dear Governor O’Malley,

We are deeply concerned that the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration (MVA) is considering moving backwards in policy related to obtaining accurate identification for transgender Marylanders. If adopted, the proposed MVA policy for gender designation changes would move Maryland from having a policy that generally works to provide transgender people accurate identification (albeit not an ideal policy), to becoming one of the worst states in the country, with a policy matched only in regressiveness by those in Kentucky, Montana, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Texas.

This move is at odds with current trends in state licensing policies. The proposed policy would require transgender Marylanders to provide a changed birth certificate first. If born in Maryland, they would need to hire an attorney and appear in court to establish specific, intimate and highly personal facts concerning their medical treatment in order to obtain a corrected gender designation on a driver’s license or state identification card. Generally speaking, in most states including Maryland, sex reassignment surgery is required to change one’s birth certificate. And, in most states, a transgender person would similarly have to hire an attorney to go to court to achieve this change. Furthermore, this will be especially burdensome for individuals born outside Maryland, many of whom will be required to file a legal action in a court thousands of miles away. Compliance will be impossible for individuals born in states such as Ohio, Tennessee and Idaho, which refuse to provide corrected birth certificates for transgender people under all circumstances.

The current MVA policy allows people who are living full-time in their new gender, yet who have not yet had relevant surgeries but intend/desire to, to have a provisional gender marker change. A permanent gender marker change is granted when proof of surgery is provided. This policy has been in place for several years, and there is no indication that any problem has arisen with its administration. This policy is slightly more restrictive than current policies in the District of Columbia, California, Colorado, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Vermont, Washington, and most recently Ohio. Each of those jurisdictions allow gender-marker change upon living full-time in a person’s new gender and people are able to get an updated ID with even a less burdensome showing than the current Maryland policy requires (there is no requirement that a person has to intend/desire relevant surgeries). These policies meet the needs of license-holders, law enforcement and other government agencies, are fully compliant with the REAL ID Act, and represent the overwhelming trend in current state policies today.

We are particularly troubled by this proposed change in policy because of the potentially devastating effect it would have for transgender people in every aspect of daily life. Recent national survey research conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force indicates that this policy would result in the overwhelming majority of transgender people having identification that is inconsistent with their appearance. Under the proposed MVA policy, more than 80% of transgender women would be listed as “men” on their licenses, and as many as 95% of transgender men would be listed as “women.” Having the wrong gender on one’s license “outs” transgender people in any situation where they need to show a license— in bars and restaurants, during routine traffic stops, and while filling out forms for employers. This violates the privacy of transgender people and puts them at risk for discrimination and bias-motivated harassment and violence. Furthermore, having the wrong gender on a person’s license needlessly complicates the work of law enforcement and other agencies that need to quickly and accurately identify individuals.

The current policy meets the State’s need for accurate identification and protects Maryland citizens’ privacy and safety and complies with the REAL ID Act. We hope you will take appropriate and prompt action to ensure that MVA retains its current policy regarding gender designation changes.

Sincerely,

Morgan Meneses-Sheets, Executive Director
Equality Maryland

Cindy Boersma, Legislative Director
ACLU of Maryland

Matt Coles, LGBT Rights Project Director
ACLU (National)

Emily Hecht, Senior Legislative Counsel
Family Equality Counsel

Sarah Warbelow, State Legislative Director
Human Rights Campaign

Shannon Minter, Legal Director
National Center for Lesbian Rights

Harper Jean Tobin, Policy Counsel
National Center for Transgender Equality

Rebecca Fox, Executive Director
National Coalition for LGBT Health

Lisa Mottet, Transgender Civil Rights Project Director
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

Alice Kennedy, President
Stonewall Democrats of Central Maryland

Michael Mitchell, Executive Director
Stonewall Democrats (National)

Michael Silverman, Executive Director
Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund

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Turn and Face the Strain

2009-12-06T12:15:00.000-05:00

I want to start out my wishing congratulations to two of my friends, Elaine Horton and Brooke Kusseling. Elaine took a trip out to Scottsdale AZ and Brooke a trip to San Francisco. I wish both of them a speedy recovery. I've know Elaine for over 3 years. The journey she has taken has been unfolding before my eyes. With Brooke, our friendship is less than a year old, but equally as wonderful.

As with most things in life, I find comparison of myself in relationship to events which transpire around me. As I see these two women writing another chapter in their story, I ask myself, " What chapter are you on?

For so long I merely existed , days into weeks, weeks in years. My life was a series graffiti painted walls strewn about. No table of content, forward, let alone any cognitive chapters describing the path I wander. Of writing I knew not. Handicapped by a reading disability, I forsook any attempt to express myself through chirography, let alone into text open to the public.

I cannot say what day this changed, or what directly caused it. It just happened. The fact that I care to put pen to paper and let out all that's inside is a miracle. We are as sick as our secrets, and I was terminal. As I grow in comfort with completing that therapy, I have come to learn many a thing about myself. Yet most of all this.

I fear change.

Not the nickels and dimes in the cup holder of my car. Not the fresh sheets on my bed, although that does become a chore. Security, serenity, comfort, ease, peace, knowingness, and consistency are good things. But so are growth, improvement, diversification and transition. Transition is not my goal, but reclamation is.

Reclamation
n. restoration Synonyms:improvement, recovery, recycling, redemption, repossession

I like that. Improvement, recovery and redemption. I now know my journey has been one of reclamation and not transformation. I'm not seeking to be something or someone I previously was not, I'm merely seeking to reclaim who I am. Reclaim from whom or what? From a society which said it was wrong to express myself in my natural way. From my peers who said I was weak or queer for identifying myself as I am. From myself and the fear I faced.

What does change have to do with this? I look to change the way my mind is closed to ideas new to me. I look to change the way I perceive life. Nothing has changed, yet nothing is the same. Externally life is still life. The sun rises and sets. Life renews itself. Am I? Do I renew myself on a daily basis or do I allow the tracks of time guide me through the same path?

I look to change the chapter of my life to Chapter Two: The Awakening

I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

WOW 2009.... You shocked the heck out of me..

2009-11-22T14:32:00.000-05:00

There was no way I saw this coming.

I started 2009 with same level of frustration and discomfort as any of my prior years since acknowledging and accepting myself. Each year started without any reasonable expectation that better things would come to pass. I have since come to understand that as hopeless, that lacking of.

Not hopeless as in unemployed, homeless, struggling with addiction issues and no direction. Although to some extent I had all of those. No, I just lack hope that there really was a solution to what ailed me.

Many thoughts have been expressed about transsexualism and gender identity issues over the years. I am not going into them here except to say that I know exactly who I am, I just didn't know why. I was trying to use the "why" to explain to others my situation. This year has shown me that is not important.

What is important is not what has happened to me over my life, yet how I respond to it. I was born exactly as I was supposed to, my sense of gender is perfectly normal. My physicality is also normal, just incongruent to my gender. For me there was this constant low grade buzz, the sort of buzz a florescent lamp's ballast puts out when something is amiss. Over a long enough period of time, that noise become a default and is hardly noticed. No more.

Last January I chose to take action in my life and to stop placing myself in the position of conflict. I'm okay with me, why should I continue to make myself into someone others are not in conflict with. The decision was made to switch locations with my Health Care providers. I had no idea at the time what a momentous decision that would be.

The first positive result was I quit smoking. My original reason for quitting drinking was " I can't quit smoking if I'm still drinking'. Of course I had to quit drinking for other reasons; however the desire to quit smoking was there. The action was lacking. This time, my reasoning was simple; I can not start anti-androgens and estrogen until I do. The power of HRT reached out for inside the pill bottle!

The second positive result was I started taking a testosterone blocker to allow my body to sync with my immutable gender. While I do not believe one's level of testosterone affects ongoing gender identity, it does affect gender confliction. I'm happy to say my testosterone levels aptly mirror my gender and that defective ballast has been replaced. The other effects are merely icing on the cake. My body has responded nicely to treatment and I am pleased. Yet nothing can compare to the sense of tranquility I feel with the oneness of my mind and body.

Another surprising result is that I'm opening up to people in my life. No longer feeling stigmatized by this birth condition, I'm comfortable to let other know in a positive way. At the beginning of the year only two of my family members knew and near no one else in my personal life, save my transgender friends. Today its easier for me to recognize those who DON'T know with special importance on my remaining untold family members.

My job today was simply a minimum wage position to stave off total unemployment in July. One Employee of the Month in August later, it has become a full time position with a master key and an alarm code to a large national retailer.

I find myself today with less fear and hesitation than I had 12 short months ago. many new friends have been added along the way. Other friends and I have redefined our roles, some for the good, some for the better.

Hope, that reasonable expectation that better things will come to pass has found my heart, my life and my journey.

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Happy TransParent Day

2009-11-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

To all of my friends who are parents and are trans, here is to you.

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2 Corinthians 12:8-10

2009-09-01T14:52:00.000-04:00

I figure the title will scare away all the Godless heathens....

⁸Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I not only believe in God, I trust in Him. This very fact will alienate about 1/3 of the world's population ( the 1 billion non religionists and about 20% of the rest!)

I certainly didn't ask to be born non cisgender. Yes, not non cisvestite, not non cissexual or any other label somebody else wishes to use in order to justify their existence. I said non cisgender.

But I was.

I do not believe these feelings I have, the sort of feelings that over 90 % of the worlds population has without second thought are somehow "changeable". They are as much a part of me as any of my organs or limbs. I could attempt to "cut" them out, but in turn, would be left horribly disfigured. Scarred. Therapy only serves to offer tools for coping. Yet, if my faith is what I profess it to be, than prayer and meditation should also be employed. Because am I not seeking growth? Spiritual, mental and physical growth? Certainly I must nourish all three.

I find it increasingly difficult to identify with the vocal part of the non cisgender community. They are self-centered egotistical narcissist arrogant asses, in other words, they are I. I truly do not with to project my weaknesses upon others, nor subject others to them. Why must I have his thorn in my side? Where is the growth in this?

Trust is another word for hope, and hope is a reasonable expectation that better thing will come to pass. Do I truly trust in Him?

Pardon me, may I have the last 30 minutes of my life back?

2009-06-07T15:00:00.000-04:00

I would like to thank OpenLetterstoKRXQ.wordpress.com for posting the podcast of The Rob, Arnie and Dawn show on KRXQ in Sacramento. I was reading all sorts of complaints about one of their shows in which Rob and Arnie were suggesting violence to children who express gender identity disorder and had not hear it myself. Thank you. Now,

Who do I see to get back the last 30 minutes of my life?

I listened to the segment, all 36 minutes of it and first of all. I need to say this. Rob and Arnie's positions on GID, while inaccurate, should not be construed as hate speech, nor should their right to express it be hindered. Their advocation that violence, or physical discipline is the solution is borderline criminal. Their intolerance for fellow host Dawn was atrocious, vile, disrespectful and adolescent. The radio station, its advertisers, and audience possess all the power necessary to regulate their comments.

I agree with very little of what was stated during that 36 minute discourse on contempt prior to investigation, yet some of it had merit. I wouldn't let either of those two men coach my children in sports, lead them in a Scout trip nor take them to a ball game with their children. It is a fact that some children act out for attention. However, for those of us who hid our gender identity, buried that innate sense of self inside of us, dealt with the struggle daily for 20, 30 or 40 years, its not a matter of attention. In fact we want no attention. Just the right to quietly live our lives, to earn a living and to be.

Is GID a mental disorder? Is it a hormonal imbalance during gestation which creates the mind to be incongruent with the body? Is it a condition created through nurture and not nature? All of these can be debated because there is yet no definitive study on what creates an individual's sense of gender and thereby their expression of it.

Yet one thing is not debatable. It exists. It's real, its overwhelming to many of us and its persistent. It doesn't go away after years of "manning up" for boys or "knowing your place" for girls.

The First Amendment gives Rob and Arnie the right to prove their ignorance. All 10 give me the right to exist.

Extremely gifted Leith has spoken again!

2009-05-24T23:17:00.000-04:00

I miss me some Elora....

2009-03-11T01:40:00.000-04:00

Caught in a Landslide

2009-03-05T14:27:00.000-05:00

I cannot say I grew up insisting I was a girl. For that surely meant a world of hurt. I couldn't tell you what defined girl, and what defined boy. I knew I was me and that it was not right with how I needed and wanted to present myself.

From my earliest recollections I wanted to breakthrough this bubble, this invisible barrier I was trapped behind. Yet to ask for help meant exposure. Exposure meant discipline. Discipline meant a thick leather belt.

So, I did the only thing I knew. I "pimped out my crib" my cocoon, the bubble I lived in. I could see out, yet no one, absolutely no one got in. I found behaviors and activities that were socially acceptable for boys and that I enjoyed. Usually this meant solitary activities. Riding my bike, drawing, watching TV(escapism), yet sometimes playing with GI Joe, and building forts(a lot of role playing activities). I surely had my "male" version of Barbie. Instead of pink, I was rolling in blue or olive drab.

I remember the first time I knew I was different from my brothers or my friends. It was when I put on a Peter Pan collared blouse and a tartan school girls jumper. It that moment, the world felt right, the buzzing stopped and I felt I belonged. I could not tell you why. I can say, I chased that feeling at lengths. Through other things too. Jobs, girlfriends, cars, booze.

I had always wanted to grow my hair long. At one point in 1973 it was as long and many young men hair is today that is to say, longer than many. However, my parents would have it cut short by the time I started turning 9 or 10.

First Things First

2008-10-22T23:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm going to do it.

I don't like talking religion or politics. It seems with either one, someone is always offended or put off.

However, as a Christian first, American second, and being transgender third, I prefer to hold my convictions based on those filters.

One, does my position represent the principles of my Christian faith? That God is first and I worship only Him, and I practice love and tolerance for my brothers and sisters as a means of being of maximum service to God and my fellows?

Two, does my position uphold the principles of the Constitution and our rights as defined in it, my duties as a citizen to defend those principles and to stand firm against those who wish to ignore and/or tread on those principles and rights?

And three, does my position further understanding and acceptance for my fellow transgender brothers and sisters?

First and for most, am I doing God's will? To seek that I ask for guidence and pray for it. I then have to meditate for insight. The thoughts that come to me must then be filtered though four qualifiers. Am I being self-centered, dishonest, resentful or fearful?

I'm human and I'm prone to fail. I do not profess to know alot, let alone the answers to many of my questions. Yet I'm okay with that.

I find the political climate extremely disturbing. Hate is not a commodity in sole possession of the Right. Nor is the Left the sole bearers of true tolerance.

I have little faith in either canidate as being "The Messiah" or "A Faithful Servant".

Yet based on positions and plans for our country, I find pulling the lever for Obama-Biden too difficult. It will be hard enough pulling that lever for McCain-Palin with one hand pinching my nose.

Barack Obama's desires to "distribute the wealth" are in stark contrast to our American principles. Our government is OF the people, FOR the people, and BY the people. He's too leftist for this Libertarian. Personal liberty has never been more in jeopardy than it is today.

I will defend my fellow citizen's right to express their political viewpoint regardless of whether that position is in accord with my own. I suspect many of you would do the same. For anything less is truly unpatriotic and quite un-American.

May God Bless All of Us

Reminder of Upcoming TV conversion

2008-10-17T17:50:00.000-04:00

One Year Later

2008-10-01T11:48:00.000-04:00

It's ironic. One year ago, while at SCC I heard Joe Solmonese speak to the largest transgender conference in America. However I didn't remember him being so " uhm" well, "uhm" un-well-spoken..... I know I usually stammer when I'm trying to deceive someone....

Uhm, but, in his uhm defense, he, uhm did , uhm say he was , uhm optimist uhm about our uhm chances....

Have you ever received an email that made you want to vomit?

2008-09-13T13:07:00.000-04:00

AHW GAWD!

Where do they come from?

Most RE-COCK-ULOUS sight out there.

I was emailed a request to join this "Ning"y thingy.

How I'm even on this person's radar screen is what frightens me. I mean, what part of ANY of my public profiles give you the indication I'm even remotely into that?

Well, 'cept maybe one or two of you out there..... ;)

Comprehensive NCTE & NGLTF TG Survey

2008-09-13T12:32:00.000-04:00

Comprehensive National Survey on Transgender Discrimination Launched by National Center for Transgender Equality and National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

"This is an absolutely critical national effort. We urge all transgender and gender non-conforming people to take the survey to help guide us in making better laws and policies that will improve the quality of life for all transgender people. We need everyone's voice in this, everyone's participation." Mara Keisling, Executive Director, National Center for Transgender Equality
Respond to the survey online at ONLINE SURVEY

WASHINGTON, DC September 11, 2008 -- In the wake of one of the most violent years on record of assaults on transgender people, the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (The Task Force) have teamed up on a comprehensive national survey to collect data on discrimination against transgender people in housing, employment, public accommodation, health care, education, family life and criminal justice. To date, in 2008, several young gender non-conforming people of color have been murdered, including California junior high school student Lawrence King, who was shot in public during the school day. King's murder, and the murders of Simmie Williams in South Carolina and Angie Zappata in Greeley, Colorado come in a year in which we are still working to include transgender provisions in a federal bill to protect lesbian, gay and bisexual workers from discrimination in employment. Hate crimes against transgender people suggest multiple points of vulnerability, which can compound each other: discrimination in employment may lead to unstable housing situations which in turn can leave transgender people at the mercy of public programs and public officials who may not respond respectfully or appropriately to them. These stressors add burdens in a health care system that is often unprepared for transgender people's needs. The list goes on. "We know that transgender people face discrimination on multiple fronts," said Mara Keisling, executive director of NCTE. "This data will help us sort out the combination of forces that leave transgender people vulnerable to unemployment, homelessness, and violence." Jaime Grant, director of the Task Force Policy Institute noted, "There is so little concrete data on the needs and risks associated with the widespread discrimination we see in the lives of the transgender people we know. This data will help point the way to an appropriate policy agenda to ensure that transgender people have a fair chance to contribute their talents in the workplace, in our educational systems and in our communities." NCTE and the Task Force have partnered with Pennsylvania State University's Center for the Study of Higher Education to collect and analyze the data. Applying rigorous academic standards to the investigation will strengthen any case made to legislators, policy makers, health care providers, and others whose decisions impact the lives of transgender people. A national team of experts in survey research and transgender issues developed the questionnaire, which can be completed on-line at
https://online.survey.psu.edu/endtransdiscrim. Paper copies can also be downloaded from the NCTE and The Task Force websites soon. Keisling notes: "This is an absolutely critical national effort. We urge all transgender and gender non-conforming people to take the survey to help guide us in making better laws and policies that will improve the quality of life for all transgender people. We need everyone's voice in this, everyone's participation."
-30-
The National Center for Transgender Equality is a national social justice organization devoted to ending discrimination and violence against transgender people through education and advocacy on national issues of importance to transgender people. The National Center for Transgender Equality is a 501(c)3 organization. For more information, please visit www.nctequality.org.The mission of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force is to build the grassroots power of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community. We do this by training activists, equipping state and local organizations with the skills needed to organize broad-based campaigns to defeat anti-LGBT referenda and advance pro-LGBT legislation, and building the organizational capacity of our movement. Our Policy Institute, the movement's premier think tank, provides research and policy analysis to support the struggle for complete equality and to counter right-wing lies. As part of a broader social justice movement, we work to create a nation that respects the diversity of human expression and identity and creates opportunity for all. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., we also have offices in New York City, Los Angeles, Miami, Minneapolis and Cambridge.

Unraveling Michelle

2008-08-21T17:18:00.000-04:00

My friend Michelle Farrell is a film maker here in Baltimore. She has spent the last two years, in between gigs and projects, working to film, co-produce, edit and promote her project, " Unraveling Michelle" .

Having just recently been honored with the Best Local Film Award at Artsfest Film Festival in Harrisburg Pa, she was estactic to receive word that the film was accepted by the NY International Independent Film and Video Festival this September. The screening is in prime time on a Saturday night!

I plan on attending to be there for her. She's truly been there for me! I've screened several pre-final cut versions of this film and its great. Michelle's sense of humor and desire to NOT take herself too seriously is one of the main reasons we're friends!

Love Ya M

Hang in there baby, Friday's coming...

2008-08-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

I've been preoccupied with looking for work, staying sober and trying to be of service to my friends and fellows.

Moderating The Gender Identity Group is one of the most rewarding experience I've been blessed to have had in my life. To get the opportunity to meet new friends, sharing the same dream, the dream of freedom to be ourselves, is incredible. Twice a month all of my problems disappear when I hear people sharing their triumphs of name changes, comings out to family and coworkers, and of taking the physical steps on their journey.

It would be criminal for me to get paid to this!

However, being paid an honest wage for an honest day's work is still elusive. I've apllied, submitted, replied and resubmitted. I've been keeping faith in my Faith and allowing life to take its course. These last 6 weeks, while financial tight, have paid me dividends. In my free time I've met people with life opportunities more challanging than mine. I walk away grateful for my situation. My basic needs are being met. I have a roof over my head, friends that love me and food in my belly. I've met 2 sets of husbands and wives, all struggling to stay clean and sober. One couple had their 4 month old son taken into protective custody until they complete a sustance abuse treatment and evalutation. Another couple just moved from Georgia and are homeless until they receive their first paychecks here. Yet all four want to stay sober.

The ironic and humorous part of this is that one of the gentlemen, while not knowing I'm non cisgender, in the early part of my transition(Whatever the hell that really means anymore!) always hands me or leaves at my seat a pamplet called "A.A. and the Gay/Lesbian Alcoholic ". Poor chap, little does he know........ Of course, I usually hand him the large print, " AA for the Older Alcoholic".... teasing him on being 39 years old and looking like he's 50!

While Friday will come, one day, I'm happy to be living in today, whatever day of the week it actually is, and know that I'll keep hanging in there, baby.......

TDOR

2008-08-19T14:43:00.000-04:00

Are there any groups plannning a Transgender Day of Remembrance this November 20th?

I know of one in Baltimore. I attended on in DC last year. What about the rest of the country?

Live and Let Live

2008-07-24T00:18:00.000-04:00

For as much progress our society makes in understanding gender identity disorder( not my term, its the medical profession's) we, as a culture, really take some stupid back pedaling moves.

Take for instance this article from The Vital Voice in St Louis. It's yet another government body discriminating based on "moral" grounds.

I don't want to hear any knee jerk "Moral Majority" "Religious Right" cracks. No , "Bush went down to Georgia and made them do that" lines either. A person insults their own intelligence in making such statements.

Live and Let Live.

Hold yourself to account and forgive others as they find their way.

Immoral?

By who's standards? Over 50% of the work force could be fired for premarital sex based on "moral" codes.

Inappropriate?

Possibly. It depends on the way a person HANDLES their transition.

Yet that's not the issue. Vandy Beth Glenn wasn't fired for just showing up to work one day as Vandy, wear something out of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Doesn't she have the right to treat her disorder? (REMEMBER its the medical profession's term). If a person had a cleft palette and required a procedure to correct an inconsistency, should they be fired?

Any medical or psychological condition should receive treatment if that treatment will abate or suppress the condition.

Here's what McDoc has to say (WebMD)

How Is Gender Identity Disorder Treated?

Individual and family counseling usually is recommended to treat children with gender identity disorder. Counseling focuses on treating the associated problems of depression and anxiety and on improving self-esteem. Therapy also aims at helping the individual function as well as possible within his or her biological gender.
Counseling is recommended for adults, as is involvement in a support group. Some transsexual adults request hormone and surgical treatments to suppress their biological sex characteristics and to achieve those of the opposite sex. The surgical alteration of a person's sex is called gender reassignment surgery (sometimes referred to as a "sex change" operation). Because this surgery is major and irreversible, candidates for surgery must undergo an extensive evaluation and transition period.

What Are the Complications of Gender Identity Disorder

If not addressed, the disorder can cause a poor self-image, social isolation, and emotional distress. Untreated, the disorder can also cause severe depression and anxiety, and can interfere with an individual's ability to function, leading to problems in school or work, or with developing relationships.

So an individual, receiving treatment for a condition, is terminated from their job for seeking and following their health care provider's prescription?

Morality supposes we have a choice in our actions. And while I have a choice to drink myself to death over depression, its actual immoral to do so.

Is it immoral to take Viagra so that sex with your wife is as fulfilling as with your mistress? Or better yet, your femme boy you've got stashed on the side.......

Oh wait, you have a "medical" condition. You're addicted to sex.

good ol' craigslist

2008-07-23T23:58:00.000-04:00

My recent job hunting had me stumble across this posting. I've edited the contact info, yet you can certainly find it on July 23rd's employment listings in Baltimore.

Take note of the highlighted line near the end. Sound's like it's tailored to the trans community...

yo dawg, they need ta pay me mizzy fo` doing diz shit , ya 'no? fo real, fo real....

Technical Support Agent (21031)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: job-XXXXXXXXX@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-23, 2:18PM EDT

Technical Support Agent

Are you an enthusiastic, high energy, team player with a passion for technology? Do you love working with PCs and related technologies? If so, we have the job for you!

As a first line contact, Technical Support Agents are responsible for providing high quality world class support on a wide variety of inquiries from customers, including questions on product functionality, usability, installation, and compatibility. The Agent is accountable for customer satisfaction by achieving certain prescribed, measurable performance goals.

In this role you will answer inbound phone calls from end users having PC desktop issues. You will access their PC using remote software and run a diagnostic tool. Then, you will review the results with the caller and offer troubleshooting suggestions.

Paid training provided.

The following shifts are available now:

1. Monday - Friday, 8:00 AM - 4:30 PM

2. Monday - Wednesday & Saturday - Sunday, 8:00 AM - 4:30 PM

3. Thursday - Monday, 8:00 AM - 4:30 PM

4. Monday - Friday, 10:00 AM - 6:30 PM

5. Monday - Friday, 1:00 PM - 9:30 PM

Applicants must be available to train Monday - Friday and start no later than 08/11/08.

Requirements

At minimum, you should...

*Have a high school diploma or equivalent. An A+, MCSE, or other certification is a plus.

*Type 30 words per minute or more.

*Be fluent in English

*Have a good grasp of grammar and sentence construction.

*Have some customer service experience.

*Possess knowledge of both hardware and software configurations in a Windows OS environment.

*Have knowledge of Windows utilities such as, but not limited to, MSCONFIG and REGEDIT.

$11.00/hour to start + monthly performance bonus

Our corporate culture is fun and flexible. Wear what you like, as long as you provide great technical support for our customers!

Benefits include 15 days paid time off per year, 401(k), medical, dental and vision insurance, and company paid life and disability insurance.

Interested?

Email your resume to XXXXXX@XXX.com or fax to XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Please specify which shift(s) you are available to work.

Reference ID: SYMCL

Location: 21031
Compensation: $11.00/hour
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 766925007

Set your TiVos

2008-07-17T01:12:00.000-04:00

There are some up coming programs on cable this month.
On LOGO

7/22 8:00am
Southern Comfort
Robert Eads, a transgender man, is dying of ovarian cancer. This documentary follows his struggle with the disease as he reveals traumatic events as well as stories of personal triumph. Highlighted are the often poor medical attention transgender people receive and the love expressed between family members faced with terminal illness. Part of Logo's Real Momentum documentary series.

7/25 6:00am
Beautiful Daughters

This original Logo documentary looks at the lives of four transgender women intertwined with the casting, rehearsal and opening of a V-Day benefit production of Eve Ensler's "The Vagina Monologues." The women confront and discuss the issues they face as transgender women and how "The Vagina Monologues" is used as a vehicle to address these issues to a mass audience. Part of Logo's Real Momentum documentary series.

7/27 1:00pm
The Believers
What happens when a group of trans-people want to reclaim their spirituality and start an all-trans gospel choir? Transcendence Gospel Choir, the first ever entirely transgender choir, consists of individuals who are attempting to overcome feeling "Bible burnt" by the Christian Right while at the same time trying to form a musically cohesive choir. The documentary follows the Transcendence Gospel Choir from the start and shows how the members had to overcome instability and commotion and build trust with one another. The diverse backgrounds of the choir members, white and black, young and old, parents of children, fully transitioned and not, are profiled-all of whom are working their high notes to find acceptance in Christian churches as well as the LGBT community. Part of Logo's Real Momentum documentary series.

On The Sundance Channel
7/24 10:00am
Ten More Good Years

In the latter part of the 1960’s the Civil Rights Movement made its way into the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered Community. Across the country LGBT persons defiantly stood up and fought for the right to be out, proud, and equal. Today, the LGBT Community is out and definitely proud; however, they are far from equal. Those who “could not take it anymore” some 40 years ago at Compton’s Cafeteria in San Francisco, The Stonewall Inn in New York City, and elsewhere across the United States, are older now and are facing an onslaught of discrimination from their government, social service networks, and even from their own Community.

Employment

2008-07-15T01:15:00.000-04:00

Hmmm...

If after reading my last post, you'll really wonder if I've lost my mind now.

I'm looking for a new job. There's nothing wrong with my current job except I can't transition on the job and oh, yeah, they can't pay me anymore... LOL

I spent the money dusting off the resume and submitting applications. More of the same tomorrow.

Wish me luck

Geographical Cure

2008-07-11T16:23:00.000-04:00

I've been fixating on a geographical cure for my ailments lately. It's not so much that I expect a new locale to fix me, or make my life "unbroken". I really believe that doesn't work. I feel its time to just start living.

I spent way too much time doing the opposite. Which is to say, waiting to die. I started to realize around 5 or 6 that I was different from others and shortly thereafter I started feeling "less than". With no real solution to this dilemma, I found comfort in the friends I would keep. Typically the other Outsiders, Malcontents and "Island of Misfit Toys" inhabitants. This would be fine for those tree climbing, Evil Knievel bike jumping, and blowing up plastic Army guys days. However, more often it turned into the sneaking out at Midnight, breaking into the local elementary school and "toying with the county police", hanging out in the woods, drinking and smoking til 4-5am days.

I would not have classified myself an alcoholic at that time. Looking back on it, I was just a potential alcoholic.

Then life happened. I got older, not wiser, married and became a parent. Along came the job, the mortgage, the car payments and responsibility. By the time I reach the 11th Anniversary of my 29th birthday (please don't do the math) I was done. I was empty and broken. This time, I could safely say I was an Alcoholic. Not the high school/ post college days drinkers who have their first hangover and laugh " I'm such an alcoholic". No, this was the “I have no control over when and how much I drink" and” no matter how hard I try I can't stop drinking" admission. I'm a firm believer that the " phenomenon of craving" as described in my last statement is the manifestation of an allergy. An allergy that NEVER occurs in the average drinker. So, with that concession to myself, I sought a path of growth, spiritual growth. It so happened to coincide with my desires to live in my own skin. In the body I was born with.

I just wanted to be ME.

Up until then, I was this image, a persona I created. The actor who would please everyone around me. I was masculine, let polite, intelligent, yet tactful. I would work long hard hours, then relax and party even longer. People pleasing became an unwitting art form. I pursued it to the gates of Hell and beyond. This had to stop.

Today, I have found a solution to my problems which is based on a relationship with God, and a reliance, not defiance upon Him (Yes, Him, not Her. Pronouns are a man made convention. For me God transcends such man made notions. I use masculine pronouns in the same spirit as my faith. He is my Father. It also further illustrates, in human terms His power and strength.) This solution has allowed me to look at myself each and every day. I can take stock of who I am and the things I've done. I look for the underlying motives behind my actions (And are there!)

So this desire to pick up and move has taken hold of me in the last few weeks. The want and need to live my live in the truest sense of myself is motivating me to look for answers and solutions to pain and fears. My first reaction is ask myself "Am I trying to run, yet again from who I am?" "Am I fearful of how people will react to me, for the person I truly am?" and " Is this God's Will for me?"

I believe, given the chance, I'll run at the first opportunity. It's in my nature and has born fruit throughout my past. I never wished to bring unwarranted criticism or examination upon myself, lest I be judged by others for being different. And I certainly never sought what is God's Will for me. And what have I learn about myself in the last 3 years. 3 years spent seeking God and myself?

I know I'm a genuinely good person at heart. I make mistakes and always will. That, for me, is part of the human experience. I strive for selfless faith in my soul and in my actions. I ask for guidance to achieve that, so that I may be of maximum service to God and my fellows.

It is also a tenet of my faith that God created me, exactly the way I am. There was no mistake that happened on that day so many years ago. I've spent a lot of time building up a veneer around me to mask that creation of God. Do I have the courage to shed this facade?

The real question is "Do I have faith?"

ROTFLMFTAO (Rolling on the floor laughing my F*ing Trans A$$ off)

2008-07-05T11:25:00.000-04:00

I love my friend Mara. Beside being a source of strength for me, she's got a great job. One where she can surf the web all day. Without her I would not have found this incredibly hilarious blog.

Oh, and the author's trans too.!

Susan Stanton, the Hate Bandwagon and a little ol' fashion B.O.D.

2008-01-09T23:29:00.000-05:00

I was recently made aware of an article from the St Petersburg Times written by Lane DeGregory. This article, addressing the preceding year in the life of Susan Stanton, the City of Largo FL's former city manager. Some will remember Ms Stanton being very publicly outed as transgendered and subsquently dismissed.

Well, this is where the firestorm took off. Fueled from the residual anger over the ENDA debacle, and I suspect a fair amount of fustration with the HRC, many transfolk proceded to attack Susan Stanton's position, as described by this article. What I found most troubling was not the instant call to express this disapproval. It was the lack of respect shown towards her by not hearing her side, in her own words.

Ms Stanton finally did reply to this article on her personal webpages by writing this statement.

I'm willing, after reading both items, to give the benefit of the doubt to Susan Stanton. In my opinion, the issue at hand is NOT what Susan thinks, it's her candid explanation of what she believes the general public's and most politican's views are.
That belief is that the population at large and many politicans see transgender Americans as "men in dresses".

In specific she wrote
"Contrary to the St. Petersburg Times article, I do not see members of the transgender community as “men wearing dresses.” However, I do feel there is a fundamental misunderstanding by the general public that being transgender is simply a matter of men wanting to “dress up as women.” Most people do not understand the medical nature of being a transgender and therefore cannot understand the need or justification for non-discrimination protection in employment and housing."

The St Petersburg times article stated this, to which she was addressing.

"Susan has met hundreds of other people like her. She was among the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people lobbying for a law that would make it illegal for others to discriminate against them.

But Susan has said all along that she's not like other transgender people. She feels uncomfortable even looking at some, "like I'm seeing a bunch of men in dresses."

Eventually, she decided it was too early for transgender people to be federally protected. People need more time, more education, she says. "The transgender groups boo me, now, when I speak. Isn't that ironic?

"But I don't blame the human rights groups from separating the transgender people from the protected groups. Most Americans aren't ready for us yet," Susan says. Transgender people need to be able to prove they're still viable workers -- especially in the mainstream.

"The biggest issue against the federal legislation is that politicians think the ladies' rooms will be invaded by guys in drag," Susan says, "instead of someone like me."

Is she off base with her perception? She does have the experience of a very public firing, lobbying of Congress for the passage of ENDA and has been a fairly active speaker in the last 12 months. More qualified than I. This leans me towards extending her the B.O.D. Benefit of the Doubt.

In my humble opinion, she is right. The general public is not informed as to the true nature of transgenderism. And until they are, we'll continue to suffer public ridicule, the defeats of anti-discrimination bills, and even worse, our own in fighting.

What are WE to do about it?

Happy Holidays

2007-11-22T14:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, some silliness for the holidays. ElfYouself!!

Transgender Day of Rememberance 2007

2007-11-20T23:14:00.000-05:00

Well it's late and I just got home from a long afternoon in downtown DC. My reason for being there was to attend a Day of Rememberance service held in front of the Whitman Walker Clinic.

For me, memorializing our loved ones and friends was about not letting their spirit and influence on our lives go unforgotten. Additionally its about living and moving forward. We learn and grow from those before us and never forget the tragic loss of having them leave us too soon. With our trans brothers and sisters though, it's because of ignorance and hate that they have left us in body, yet never in spirit.

I feel even more compelled to help in organizing Baltimore's Day of Rememberance next year.

I'm emotional tapped out at this point!

There was some uplifting from my travels today. Even though I was tooling around in drab mode, I ran into several friends including my friend Kay. Kay moved away from DC in 2005 and just recently moved back. Needless to say I'm excited. Locally, on a scale of androgyne and transition, she was someone I looked up to. I aspired to be like Kay. Many noted trans-activist and leaders were on hand and I personally met Rev Drew Phoenix who was just trying to quietly attend the service. My friend Donna introduced me to Mara Keisling, the Executive Director of NCTE. There is a genuine humility in both of their voices.

Not much more than the desire to reflect.

Ah, yes.. What's a little "T" amongst friends?

2007-10-10T19:30:00.000-04:00

For those who read John Aravosis' Swiss Cheese piece in Salon you can spare yourselves the repeat. For those less "fortunate", I've linked it above.

Mr Aravosis proffers an opinion that the LGB(T) community as a whole wants ENDA with or without the gender identity provisions.

However, the piece is titled " How did the T get in LGBT?" His entire assertion is that the T does not belong in with LGB. Mr Aravosis chooses to use the Wikipedia version of the LGBT history. We all know the hours of painstaking fact checking and vetting that done there..... Hell, Dan Rather did more vetting on his "Bush's National Guard " piece.... Let's actually review some facts.

1.) The T came first

The "T" in the LGBT Movement...
It's a hot August night in San Francisco in 1966 -- three years before the famed Stonewall. Compton's Cafeteria, in the seedy Tenderloin district, is hopping with its usual assortment of transgender people, young street hustlers, and down-and-out regulars. The management, annoyed by the noisy crowd at one table, calls the police. When a surly cop, accustomed to manhandling Compton's clientele, attempts to arrest one of the queens, she throws her coffee in his face. Mayhem erupts -- windows break, furniture flies through the air. Police reinforcements arrive, and the fighting spills into the street. For the first time, the drag queens band together to fight back, getting the better of the cops, whom they kick and stomp with their high-heeled shoes and beat with their heavy purses. For everyone at Compton's that night, one thing was certain -- things would never be the same again. This act of resistance was a dramatic turning point for the transgender community, and the beginning of a new human rights struggle that continues to this very day. For almost 40 years, it was an almost-forgotten footnote until the recent film documentary Screaming Queens recovered the story for today's audiences.

Somewhere in the early 70's the movement to "mainstream" homosexuality started rolling. The idea that all gay men wore panties and all lesbians had hairy armpits and drove semis were stereotypes that had to be buried.And rightfully so. However,this resulted the sweeping the Queens and Fairies under the Yellow Brick Road.

A good yet brief history of the Trans/HRC schism can be read here

2.) Not all gay men are Will Truman.....

Gender identity protects effeminate gay men and butch lesbians as much, if not more that transgendered persons. While within certain demographics of the gay community, the white collared Tom Ford wannabes ( "Not that there's anything wrong with that....."), and the Angelina Jolie'd Lipstick Lesbians anything non conforming in presentation draws negative attention to themselves. We trans folks do the same with the "French Maid" and " Sissy Sluts". Yet what of the Jack McFarlands? the Nancy Boys, Tomboys, Chapstick Lesbians, Dykes, Bulls or not, and your garden variety Queers? Yes Queer. Isn't THAT the common thread we share?

We are a Union of Queer Folk.

Let's really discuss his premise here. How DID the T get in LGBT?

His argument of incremental rights has been floated by many supporting a non gender identity version of ENDA. The talking points go like this "Civil rights legislation -- hell, all legislation -- is a series of compromises. You rarely get everything you want, nor do you get it all at once. Blacks, for example, won the right to vote in 1870. Women didn't get that same right until 1920".

Mr Aravosis' explanation of incremental rights would have meant that blacks and women were in the same fight for voting rights in the 1870 and that someone in Congress decided to eliminate women from The Fifteenth Amendment.

Based on his "logic", incremental rights would have actually worked like this:

"Light skinned Blacks, for example, won the right to vote in 1870. Dark skinned blacks didn't get that same right until 1920."

For Mr Aravosis, any ENDA is better than no ENDA is a cover for his transphobia.
That "I started asking friends and colleagues, ranging from senior members of the gay political/journalistic establishment to apolitical friends around the country to the tens of thousands of daily readers of my blog" and "if they thought we should pass ENDA this year even without gender identity. Everyone felt bad about taking gender identity out of ENDA, everyone supported transgender rights, and everyone told me "pass it anyway." The final quotation marks are his. As if everyone one of them replied with exactly that answer.
Hmmm? I can see this conversation now, over Martinis at Halo.

"Trans folk are nice enough people though, even if they are riding on our shirt tails. "
" Of course I like transgender people, some of my best friends are transgendered."

Mr Aravosis, I don't care if you're trans phobic. I'm use to transphobia from 80% of the population, just please drop the "Holier than Thou" and "Song and Dance"

Example of Character

2007-10-04T10:09:00.000-04:00

Some of us may be aware that Donna Rose, a well known member of the trans community and a Board member at HRC has resigned. Having read HRC's stance on ENDA and its decision to oppose immediate markup of the bill, and Joe Solomonese's speech at SCC in September, I found her convictions refreshing.

While HRC is now scrambling to recover, PassENDAnow, and this latest statement from Joe Solomonese both are pushing for full support of an inclusive ENDA, not the Barney Frank proposed and Nancy Pelosi supported "Cert's" bill, " Two, two, two bill's in one". Is this too late to regain support from the trans community? Were they always onboard and just looking for a way to delay the markup in order to truly garner the votes needed?

I say it doesn't matter. Anything short of an immediate rebuke to Rep. Frank's proposal and a call to action from the entire GLBT community in support of that position is unacceptable. It says they would be willing to "sell" us out. It draws into question their only recent conversion to include transgender rights.

People , this is nothing new for HRC, the HALF Rights Campaign.

The ironic thing is it is all a moot point. The current administration will veto it. Our solidarity would encourge those wavering on passage to have the courage the next time it is introduced. Yet movement on this bill was to show force and unity from the GLBT community.

And HRC flinched.

Dinner and a Movie?

2007-09-30T11:33:00.000-04:00

Ahhh. I had an opportunity to hang out with my friend Trisha last night. Her boyfriend Bruce was in town and they invited my over to Trish's sister's place. Never underestimate the power of "vegging". We ordered Chinese and watched the entire first season of "Flight of The Conchords". It is a must see. If you're a Farrelly or Coen Bros fan, you'll love this show on HBO. The basic premise is two hapless musicans from New Zealand try to make it NYC. The humor is constant and at times, heavy laughter. Simplistic yet inciteful, witty with great delivery! The songs are hillarious!!

Where is the L-O-V-E?

2007-09-18T16:31:00.000-04:00

As I geared up for my 4th SCC, I had the opportunity to reflect on my personal journey of the last 4 years.

By 2003, I had come to terms with the fact I was transgendered. Even though I could not quantify the cause, I accepted it as part of my nature. It had been since the tender age of 6. Years of guilt and shame had taken its toll and I was ready for a change. Many things had transpired in the preceding year. My last relationship(HST i.e. hostage taking situation....) had ended in miserable failure. I was finally on my own, and, as I found to be later, on my way. New job, new income status, and new freedom allowed me to express this identity in a safer environment.

As these planets all came into alignment I found less than a harmonic convergance. The more exposed I was to the multivalent construal known as transgenderism, the less shielded I was to its stark divisions. I knew I was transgendered, however which subset did I belong to?

Communication and language are tools mankind has developed to express a point of view as to allow another person to understand it. For the purpose of my assessment I choose to define three subsets as following; transsexual (both op and non-op), androgynous ( including gender queers and crossdressers who dress for gender identity expression), and transvestites ( to include any fetish based or emotionally driven cross gendered expression through attire/clothing). At the core to each of these BROAD subsets is HOW gender and its expression relates to THEM.

[Please note: A crossdresser is ANYONE who wears clothing of their opposite physical sex. Transgender is an umbrella term used to describe ANYONE with a gender identity or expression that is at odds with society's binary gender construct]

To the transsexual, its is an innate sense knowing they who they are gender wise, its the body which is incongruent to this defined sense of self.

To the androgynous, its a sense of two genders.Sometimes singularly expressed, and sometimes jointly expressed. Yet typically never just one gender identity as defined by society's binary constructs.

To the transvestite, its a sense of fulfillment to an aspect of their gender definitions through the wearing of garments typically associated to the opposite physical sex. The fullfillment can be sexual in nature and it can be emotional too.

And therein, as the Bard would tell us, lays the rub.

Some transsexuals feel detached or wish to detach themselves from other transgendered individuals because their sense of self is, at least at the point they affirmed their status as transsexual, innate, permanant and quite clear. They were born with the right mind, its just the body which lagged behind. Anyone with less than the same feeling or sense of self could possible cause society at large to demean their situation. (Like its stereotypical TG characters in such movies as Dressed to Kill or Silence of the Lambs) Not dressing within a binarily defined gender contruct ( gender queer/fuck, or androgynous) or dressing in a fetish way can be seen as destructive to them and they need to blend in and be accepted. For many the ultimate goal is to fit into mainstream society and allow themselves to finally just live.

Some androgynous people consider and classify themselves as transgendered because in society's collective vocabulary, they have no accurate word to define themselves. They feel more bi-gendered variant that transvestites and less inconguent in their gender -physicality relationship than transsexuals. They see fetish based crossdressing involving intimate appearal or the lack there of(exposed body parts) in online photo albums as a threat to their legitimacy.

And, some transvestites, content on living with their gender which is in sync with their physical sex, will think in terms of their sense of self and do not possess the capacity to reasonably empathize beyond that contrust. To no fault of their own. How can white Americans truly understand personal biasses afflected upon black Americans. They lack a certain perspective. They are no less ridiculed by society than any other transgendered person however.

I have found, at times, a deep and dark distain for each other by some of us within all of these three subsets. However it seems to be strongest between the two extremes, transsexuals and transvestites. Transgender has been called an umbrella term . Yet I see it more like a covered bus stop. We're all in it together, however none of us want to look at or communicate with each other.

So this beg's to ask the question.

Where is the Love?

At a national level, most of the activism is directed to provide acceptance for those actively living and expressing, on a full time basis, a gender expression inconguent to their natal physicality. This means transsexuals both op and non-op or those 24/7.

At the local level most of the support mechanisms are gears towards the transvestites and provide a social outlet in addition to any emotional support provided.

While both of those two extremes benefit in small part to the actions taken on behalf of the other, there seems to be no middle ground and I certainly fail to see all of us holding hands and singing KumBayah anytime soon.

Which leaves us with the androgynous. You know us, chameleons as we are, we partied with the jocks and the stoners......

My Ex

2006-10-08T17:19:00.000-04:00

Recently my ex sent me an email advising me to be careful. It seems anyone, namely my children, digging deeper into my male MySpace profile might not like what they would find. Well, what they would have found was 2 of my friends. These are Genetic Girls who support the transgendered community. Because my ex-wife or anyone else looking at my profile could link from there to all sorts of other TG profiles, including this one, she felt it necessary to let me know.

Now at first I was like " Cool, I don't need to be so guarded around her" This quickly turned to " How dare you lay guilt or blame at my feet for our failed relationship" after subsequent emails. Our relationship failed not because I carried a secret from her, although this did not help. Our relationship failed because she was bull headed and uncompromising, just like ME! Two individuals incapible of forming a UNION. I have accepted many of my failing in that relationship and I'm sure I'll discover more to which I will promptly accept those too. Whether she sees any failing on her part is not responsiblity. It up to her to review her life and the decisions she's made.

Having said that, I couldn't help but feel closer to her since the original email. I've jokingly said that she is my "nails on a chalkboard" however I'm left longing for a better relationship with her. Our children are older now and all but one are in college. Yet because of our children, there is continued contact.

I think my overriding feeling is to just let people accept me for exactly who I am, and more forward with my life. Am I asking for too much?

Katharine Hepburn was the Antichrist

2005-12-09T17:12:00.000-05:00

Katharine Hepburn will long be remembered as Hollywood’s greatest actress. Although many people will not remember she led a rich and interesting life. She was an immensely complicated, intelligent, and driven individual. Additionally, she was the Antichrist.

The daughter of her urologist doctor father Thomas Norval Hepburn and suffragette namesake mother Katharine Houghton, Katharine was an athletic tomboy as a child, and was very shy around girls her age. She was largely schooled at home. She did attend Bryn Mawr College, however, and it was here that she decided to become an actress, appearing in many of their productions. After graduating, she went on to perform in several plays on and off Broadway. She finally broke into stardom with the lead role of the Amazon princess Antiope in "A Warrior's Husband" (1932). Film offers followed. RKO signed her to a contract. She made five films between 1932 and 1934. For her third, Morning Glory (1933) she won her first Academy Award. Her fourth, Little Women (1933) was the most successful picture of its day.

However, stories of her refusal to play the Hollywood Game, always wearing slacks and no makeup, never posing for pictures or giving interviews, soon leaked out. There was even a largely held rumor that she walked around the studio in her underwear in the early 1930s when the costume department stole her slacks from her dressing room. She refused to put anything else on until they were returned.

Many audiences turned their backs on such behavior and accordingly, so did Hollywood. A brief stint back on Broadway, followed by several lackluster films and she was soon labeled “box-office poison”. It was then that she made a pivotal change in her life. Instead of compromising her principles, she took the lead in “The Philadelphia Story” (1938) on Broadway. It was a smash hit. She quickly purchased the film rights and negotiated her way back into the Old Boy’s Network which was Hollywood in the 30s and 40s. It was on her terms. She was her own woman.

The suffragette upbringing in a liberal family environment forged a set of values and standards she lived her life by. When one is asked what memorable qualities of hers they are familiar with, her accent and mannerisms will be high on the list. Yet secondarily, almost no one will forget her crossdressing. Sure, her wearing of slacks in an age when it was not fashionable is hardly crossdressing. However, if her reasons for wearing pants are explored, you will find it stems from a desire of gender equality. Her love of all sports from tennis to archery to golf and skiing, proved to the world, she was comfortable in a man’s woman. For her, equality was genderless.

As the twentieth century’s leading gender bender, Katharine Hepburn is the Antichrist. Hyperbole as it may be, she set the tone for a movement in American culture, aided by Rosie the Riveter in WWII, and the auspicious Gloria Steinem in the 60’s and 70’s. Today’s feminism movement can trace its roots in celluloid back to The Great Kate. Modern lesbians owe a large portion of their acceptance in society to Katharine of Arrogance. Ironically, she accomplished this without destroying the paradigm society’s perception of women. Women were still allowed to be the fairer sex. Soft, warm, loving and nurturing, the female role model was not destroyed, yet remarkably enhanced. It is because life imitates art in our society that Ms Hepburn will always be a hero to me. Her decision to live her life, according to her rules was the true catalyst to today’s current gender expression.

You may feel my labeling of Katharine Hepburn as the Antichrist is a poke at the religious right. This is not quite the case, although no one is safe from lampooning. Her values and positions on gender equality are, by today’s standards, moderate to somewhat conservative. She will live on forever through the little screens of American Movie Classics (AMC) and Turner Classic Movies (TCM). Yet for some of us, her pioneering spirit, grit and perseverance needs no electronic reminders. The “mark of this beast” is on the labels hanging in my closet.

Am I Destined to Be Alone Forever?

2005-10-12T17:07:00.000-04:00

Every now and then I ponder the meaning of my existence. Now, this sounds all philosophical and heady, yet it’s simple nothing more than, "Will I spend the rest of my live alone?"
I tell myself "I don't want to live by myself!" and until last night, I was looking at it the wrong way. For you see, what I was saying to myself was, “I don't want to live with YOU", meaning ME! And if this was actually true, then, did I need fixing'? I mean, can I be ready for someone else if I'm not ready for me?

The last 8-10 months of my sentence on this planet have involved some pretty in-depth examinations of my past, my present, and my future. Though these "probes" to the center of my soul have been ongoing for several years, before now they were very superficial. Never before had I "taken a hard look in the mirror". Like most crossdressers, it’s a quick passing glance on my way somewhere or just a reflection in another object. This is all about to change.

For longer than I care to remember, I've been a crossdresser, a transgenderist and a bigendered individual. This fact has caused me considerable pain in my life. My earliest memories include the fear of discovery. It is that fear that ruled my life until a short 2 years ago. Although the effects of fear on my psyche cannot be dismissed overnight, the mere fact that the fear is gone is akin to the breathing of fresh air right after a sauna. Cool, deep fulfilling breaths providing reassurance are contrasted to the short, hurried, shallow pants one finds in a fog of steam, while never knowing if the next is your last.

My life is starting to develop meaning. I have rediscovered personal traits that were quite dusty! Yet why did I still question my relationship status? Was it because I seemed to pick the "winners"? The one that if I walked into a room of 1,000 women, I'd walk out with a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree", the sickliest one of the bunch! This could not be coincidence. It has to be more than mere happenstance. It's ME! I've set standards and conditions in my partners that compliment my failings.

Like the drug addict or alcoholic finding the 12 steps of recovery, I've recently found my "12 steps" to spirituality! That balance I've been seeking. This is not to say I've arrived at my spiritual zenith. I've just started taking the first steps of that 1,000 mile journey. A lot of personal inventory taking and making amend with those I've wronged. I can humbly accept myself as the loving person I am. I can display compassion with reckless abandon. I can wake up in the morning and know I'm one day closer to my center.

In retrospect, I'm not so much concerned with being alone. I rather like myself and am content to take my time, and find the RIGHT woman for me. She'll be the woman professing that I'm the right MAN for her! And do you know something? I just might be.....

Roll Call

2005-08-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

Ladies,

The time has come for us to open the closet doors, turn on the lights, dust off the old handbags and stand up and be counted. As our society has come, albeit kicking and screaming, to accept certain alternative lifestyles, it has generally ignored the most inane and loving one. I'm talking about us, The Gender Expressionist.

We have all, including myself, sat back and watched Hollywood and the mainstream media, both of which claim diversity, malign us by portraying us a sexual deviants. All one has to do is sit through "Psycho", "Silence of the Lambs" , or "Dressed to Kill" to see the villian is a crazed TG.

Uhm, can I get a head count here? How many of you have your mother on ice in the basement? Are building a body suit from girls"roomy thru the hips"? Or in your part-time position as a therapist plan on attacking your patients? I suspect none.

What is at the very core of our Gender Expression? It's a desire to display our warmth, love and compassion for others. Under societies current guidelines, who "owns" those traits? Women. Exactly. Yet is it conceivable that men can also be those items? Of course.

What is at issue is our right as men, to express these traits without ridicule. And far be it that we do so in a manor that even further "shocks" society. Crossdressing. How many of us are approached by members of the "mainstream" and asked, "Why do you do this?" I for one relish at the opportunity to explain. Yet, should we be forced to "fight" this battle over ignorance one "combatant" at a time? No. Pure attrition will not not only take forever, it will not send the message of unity and solidarity we need.

"So, Jenna?" you ask. "What can I truly do about this?" This is a reasonable and logical question to be asking. My answer is as follows.

GET INVOLVED. In countless cities across this country there are support groups, Yikes, I said those words. "Support groups". I HATE those words, in that it implies a room full of "broken " indiviuals looking to their therapist of guidence. Your local TG group does provide support, yet not in the clinical fashion. It's the sisterhood. The solidarity of members uniting, marching in step, on the same sheet of music to each other. Are we a "rag-tag" group of gals at times? Of course that can be the case, at times. Yet the majority of the time are we strong, proud, and confident? You betcha!If the movement is to go forward, it needs participation. If "being out" is not your thing, and you want to support the cause, you have options. Try to attend a meeting locally, and if not, the next town over. This way you are away from prying eyes. Almost all groups have a secure meeting place with changing facilities. Check with the ones in your area.

GO ONLINE. Not comfortable in being out AT ALL? Go cyber. AND I DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT MEAN "Trolling for Tgirls." The absolutely LAST thing we need in bringing acceptence to our cause is the SEXUAL overtones, that societies tries to label us with. Are we human and thereby sexual beings? Of course. Yet isn't every other human being out there? And this does not define us. Many of us do not even bring our gender expression physically into our sex lifes. We do of course add love, warmth and compassion to "our game" and most of our partners truly appreciate that! So go online. Chat with your fellow TGilrl. Not about "hooking up" yet about the common problems we all endure. Offer your life experiences and mistakes, so that another may not follow in those mistakes.

The time has come, it's D-Day, H-hour. Time to storm the beaches, fight for liberty, all in the name of others, so that future generations may exist in peace, free from tyranny.(As the Battle Hymn of the Republic plays on with the unfurling of the American Flag!) LOL

Uncle Samantha Wants You!!!!!

Gender Euphoria

2005-08-22T17:07:00.000-04:00

Hello Ladies,

I had the pleasure hanging out with a friend of mine, Christina*(name has been changed to protect the beautiful) this weekend. Usually we meet up at a local club with other friends. Unfortunately, its always noisy and its not a great place to hold a conversation.

Tina attends a local support group TGEA . This weekend they were manning a booth at the Arlington County Fair in Arlington VA. She invited my to hang out with her at the fair and afterwards go shopping. While the fair okay, the booth was fully covered with members, so we did like any self respecting girls would do, we went SHOPPING. This is where my post begins.

Tina has been out for a year now. She is married and recently experienced the bliss of child-birth with her first child, a son. Tina and I had several hours to bond and share personal experiences. She shared one item of importance with me. Her wife picks a fight everytime before she goes out. Tina says that when she comes home, everything is okay with her wife. Now in fairness to her wife, I am not "in" their relationship, so I played "Devil's Advocate". Each time we disscussed an issue, I would "inquisitively" take the other side. My reasoning was to provoke her thoughts and reasoning on her points. I came up with a single deduction.

Tina is experiencing Gender Euphoria.

I myself went though this with a former girlfriend. It lead to our breakup. Although if not the gender euphoria, something else would have broke us up. She had taken the position that my gender personality and all of the factors of it was incomprehensible. I was not to "reeled" in during this phase. I had denied myself for so long that no one could make demands upon me!
Is this fair?

Do we have that right?

Are our vows of matrimony a shield for us?( In sickness and in health? til death do you part? )

Gender euphoria can be compared to the stages of development young women go through in their adolescent years. As a point, most crossdressers even dress like teenaged girls during this stage.(Deliver us from ourselves!) Is this a "healthy" period for us and our mates?

Do we need "parental" supervision to help guild us in the correct direction?

Oh so many questions, oh so many correct answers.

What do YOU think?

Jenna

What's the End Game?

2005-07-24T17:03:00.000-04:00

Hello Ladies,

I recently arrived home this evening, or should I say this morning from a "night out on the town". Now, since I was driving, there was no alcohol involved it the evening. So I won't receive a BWI(blogging while intoxicated) . Yet my soberity has left me with one nagging question.

What's the "end game"?

As I look forward to an evening out en femme, with friends I am usually excited. The chance to let loose with my feminine fancies in full regalia is intoxicating . Yet at the end of the night, I'm faced with the evening's epilogue. The regretful return to regular me. Removing makeup, nail polish and, oh those wonderful clothes is got to be the biggest let down in the world. I can feel the pain of the crew for Ringling Brothers on the last night of a sucessful campaign in any particular city.

I usually prepare for the evening out several days in advance. I know if I'm going out, say over the weekend, I'll keep my nails long, paint the toenails and shave myself. This way on the evening of my en femme episodes, I can reshave without rushing or nicking and just paint my fingernails. Careful planning and stratigic maneuvering highlight my week. I can live with this. I mean, the buildup is well worth it. It just the decompression that "kills" me.

I want it all( who doesn't). I love my male self. I love my female self. It's just that I believe I compromise my male side too much in order to fullfill my female side. I'm no spring chicken and like to think Mrs Right is out there. I'm not looking for Mrs. Right-Now. So there is some sense of urgency. I mean I want to share all the love I possess with someone other that my friends and family." Can't have it , all by yourself." is a catchy line from a country song. Yet I know this androgynous persona I've become is not appealing to the fairer sex. At the end of it all, I'm sliding more into the female realm and further and further from my male self. I'm not too sure I like this.

Maybe I should be posting this at "The Diary of a Mad Transgendered Woman " blog. Yet from the roster of girls assembled here, I know some wise and caring input will be received.

Looking for that magic pill,
Jenna Taylor